~"Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer." (Psalm 19:14)~Negative self talk. We all do it, right? Well, I do anyway, and I have for years. "I'm fat". "I'm skinny". "I'm ugly". "I'm sick". "No one cares". "I'm worthless". Ugh...it even makes me weary! And the worst part of it is that I know better! As a woman of faith, I know what the Bible says about how significant I am in the eyes of God! Throughout scripture, it is very clear: "The Lord your God is in your midst, a victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with songs of joy." (Zephaniah 3:17); "How precious also are Thy thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I am awake, I am still with Thee." (Psalm 139:17-18); "'For I know the plans that I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.'" (Jeremiah 29:11-13); and "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39).
God loves me and wants only good for me -- I know that! But I look in the mirror and hate what I see. As the effects of aging, illness and medications take their toll on my body, my inner self takes note and fights against every flaw I see. And, unfortunately, I voice my opinions -- quite strongly, in fact. The other day, I stopped mid-rant as a memory flooded my mind. It was another time, another place, many years ago -- a time when Lupus and medications had ravaged my body to the point where, even if you'd known me for years and saw me on the street, you would not have recognized me. I remember grieving. I complained about the fact that I was sick at all, and lamented over the way I looked. I felt ugly and unloved, confused and bewildered by the physical changes I was experiencing. Oh, I remember countless, sleepless nights filled with pain, nights when I felt God calling me to pray for others, and I felt closer to Him than ever. But there was still that nagging question, and the negative thoughts that followed...was I not worth anything? And furthermore, why hadn't God been listening to my prayers for delivery from my own situation, anyway? Hadn't I prayed and prayed for things to get better -- even for healing? At the time, I failed to stop, take a breath, and consider that perhaps I was a voice, an instrument, a vessel that God was using for His purpose and glory. All I could focus on were the negative aspects of my situation. I remember lying in bed and crying over my lot in life when my youngest daughter, who was 11 or 12 at the time, spoke with such wisdom that I was astounded. She lovingly told me that I was wrong. And then she opened the Bible and showed me in scripture why I was wrong, reading "...who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, 'Why did you make me like this', will it?" (Romans 9:20). Wow. I was speechless. I knew she was right, so I decided that no matter what came my way, I would do my best to trust in the God of my salvation, to be content in whatever circumstances in which I find myself, and to stop the negative self talk.
I would love to say that I have succeeded in my efforts to be completely positive, but sadly, that is not the case. Pain, weakness, medication side effects, and exhaustion get to me from time to time, and I falter. It's frustrating to know what is right to do and fail so often to do it. And that is also the beauty of having a relationship with my Creator, my Adonai, Jehovah God. I know He loves me, He watches over me, He holds me with His right hand of Righteousness. I am never alone, never without grace and love, and yes...even altogether lovely.
May God bless you with love and grace, and may you know that you are loved...
