January 8, 2019
Confusion...sadness...frustration...a sense of alone-ness mixed with feelings of being overwhelmingly loved...all these emotions rolled into one big roller coaster ride that changes moment by moment without warning. I seek God's face for answers, along with those of the doctors He places in my path, yet somehow I am not receiving them. Why are there no answers? And what if they never come? Will my treatments, which I've been getting for 6 years, be taken away? I am amazed at how our bodies are incredibly and intricately woven together, yet I fail to understand how things can go so terribly wrong and no one seems to know why. But God knows...and at the moment He's not telling.
I am weary of the poking and prodding, the weakness and pain. The Paraneoplastic Disorder Panel that was run on December 20 was negative...not one test showed us where my tumor lies. So on Saturday, January 5th, I went again for more tests. It is no wonder I am anemic, I have blood draws every few days! I am truly weary of it all! And yet, somehow, I am also grateful...for doctors who express deep concern, spending time and effort to try to figure things out for me; for grace and kindness from my husband Gary and a few other special people in my life, for the BiPAP that has made a huge difference in easing my breathing difficulties. Oh yes, I am baffled...but I am still choosing HOPE. I must admit, however, that this gets harder with each passing day.
January 9, 2019
I made a big decision this week...I am deactivating my Facebook account. While it has been a source of connection to the outside world and that has been important to me since I am currently home bound, I have discovered that it is also emotionally draining and unhealthy for me. By biggest concern with this change in my life is losing the support of the online friends I've made through various support groups and the connection with some amazing folks I've met who have become dear "cruise buddies". And that doesn't even cover the loss of connection with family! I don't take this decision lightly because I know it will be difficult. On the other hand, it is imperative that I do whatever it takes to preserve my strength and protect my health.
My symptoms continue to be a major source of concern for me and baffling for my doctors. My feet are constantly purple and swollen...as cold as ice from calves to toes...no matter what I try. If I warm them up too quickly, I get very painful, blistering areas of swelling and inflammation in my toes which can quickly turn to ulcers and are easily infected and slow to heal. My blood sugar is another area of concern, rising to diabetic levels, then plummeting to extremely and dangerously low ranges without warning. My endocrinologist is working diligently to try to help me, but we still have no real answers to date....except of course, the knowledge that I have an "inappropriate insulin response". The 'why' of that is still a mystery.
January 15, 2019
I received my results to repeat testing this morning and the tumor antibody marker that was found a couple of months ago is positive once again, confirming that our suspicion is true; only this time, the number was even higher. Something must be done and I am going to work to ensure that it happens. I have 5 doctor's appoints between now and February 22, so surely with all of my medical team working on it, there will be resolution soon. As my Endocrinologist said, if we choose an aggressive route, I am promised nothing. On the other hand, to do nothing results in merely getting worse. So I think my choice is clear, and am praying that insurance will approve a PET scan soon.
January 19, 2019
Well, I obviously fit the description of "social butterfly' in the truest sense, because I just couldn't stay away from contact with my Facebook friends and family. Oh, how I have missed the interaction with so many who have touched my life in a profound way! I guess I didn't realize the positive aspects of Facebook until I took a few steps back and looked at things from a different...somewhat distant...perspective. In fact, just this morning, while spending time in prayer, I decided to do something a little different and go through my friends list, praying as I went. As I scrolled through the names, I realized that it would be easy, with the click of a button, to either stop following or unfriend any given person if I was so inclined. But as each name came into view, I was filled with a sense of warmth and love. You see, I asked God to help me see others through HIS eyes and perspective, and I realized the true, incalculable value of each person...not just in my life, but as one of God's creations. My list is long and is represented by family, childhood friends, work friends, neighbors, church and Bible study friends, my online support group family, my infusion clinic family, my medical team family and my cruise buddies...each of whom have crossed my path or have been purposefully placed in my life for a specific and valuable reason. And I realized today how very much I am blessed.
That being said, the time away has been profitable, as I have been seeing doctors, doing research and compiling notes as instructed by my doctors. In addition, Gary and I have been working on our ancestry (prompted by a "chance" meeting of a man on our last cruise who looks just like Gary's dad), and we have been pleased to discover a rich heritage of Christian values, morality and all-around goodness in the Bradfield lineage. Gary's ancestors were Quakers and there are meticulous records that date way back to the 1700's. While conducting research, I came across some beautiful words penned by one of Gary's ancestors, LaVina Bradfield Wilson. Oh, that I could leave a legacy such as the one she did...a legacy of truth and love for Christ that lives on to this day!
LaVina's grandson described her as "consumed with the hunger to know God. She not only knew about Christ, she lived like she knew Him. Her life story is filled with accounts of helping the less fortunate, even when things were already tight. 'The Lord will provide' was her rallying cry. And He did, too! Once, after a miraculous cure of one of the children which was brought about through prayer, a doctor said, 'You serve a powerful God.' She certainly did! LaVina is no longer with us on this earth, but her legacy will live on in her children and the countless numbers of people she has touched along the way. The world has indeed changed since 1898. And it is a better place. Thanks, Grandma. We love you!" ~Kirk Harrison~
Yes, indeed, even to this day...over 120 years after her birth...her legacy lives on and my heart has been blessed. LaVina had musical talent, playing the pump organ (mostly hymns, of course) and wrote some poems/prose that have touched my heart during this difficult time in my own life. I cannot imagine the hardships that those who lived so many years ago faced....sleeping in covered wagons, moving from place to place, even losing a mother at a young age and taking over the motherly duties. But LaVina did all of that and more and still wrote of her love for, devotion to, and trust in the Lord. I am going to share two of those writings with you today. The first is comforting to me because it is a reminder that I know my Redeemer lives, and I have no doubt that He is able to keep that which I've committed unto Him against all that life throws at me. The second is, I believe, based on Proverbs 31 as LaVina lived it. It is my greatest desire to leave such a legacy to my children and the generations that come after me as I strive to be the mother God wants me to be. My prayer is that they touch your heart as they have mine.
CONSOLATION
How beautiful the sunset as we travel down the road
We just lift our hearts to heaven and praise our blessed Lord.
Or, it may be in the morning when He speaks in accents clear.
Never mind your daily troubles, we can feel His presence near.
He comes to us when least expected to inspire us to be true,
And to dedicate ourselves to the task He has called us to pursue.
What a joy that fills our spirits as we seek His blessed face
And learn to trust Him fully; He upholds us by His grace.
It may be in the night time as we travel near and far
Our eyes behold the heavens and we see the evening star.
We're reminded of its mission as it stand out clear and bright,
To guide man through the darkness and direct him in his flight.
Oh how God must love His children He created for His own
And He asks them to be faithful until the day is done.
Do we heed His tender mercy and strive to do and be our best
Until He takes us to His heaven where there'll be perfect peace and rest.
~LaVina Bradfield Wilson~
First of all, she is a human being, with all the hopes and fears as everyone else. She loves us when we're bad, as well as when we're good. She always sees what is best in us and tells everyone else about it. Oh, she may see our shortcomings and our faults and even our sins, but she is careful to keep them to herself. Her love can melt the heart of stone and her kiss can heal the greatest hurt. Her smile of approval is often all that is needed to give courage to proceed. She has the tenderness of an angel toward her children, when needed, and the boldness of a lioness when it comes to protecting her own. She can weep over a wayward son or daughter when everyone else turns them down, and proves to her own satisfaction that they are innocent or that someone else has led them astray. She can spot the wrong company in a moment of time and can recognize a phony when she sees it. She is quick to give advice which is not always accepted or appreciated, however. Her grandchildren are always the smartest and the cutest, when compared with others. They always have the traits of her own son or daughter. If they are good traits, sometimes they even have some of her own good qualities.
She is a woman of many talents. She can dress dolls, blow whistles, spin tops, wind up cars, build houses out of blocks and walk over more toys without falling, than anyone else in the world. She can make over clothes for her children, manage a budget and get a meal when there is practically nothing in the house to eat and ration it out to each one as they have need. She's never too tired to shop, rinse out a few garments that failed to get in the regular wash, or iron a shirt, or sew on a button that seemed to come off at the last moment, and then go to the church or to someone's home and help prepare clothes and gifts for the missionary box. She can sing the love of God right into the heart of her child and inspire the needed faith and trust that it takes to win them for God and the church. She can listen to the heartaches of others and grieve over them as they were her own. And when she has gone to her reward, those that have been inspired by her council and have been led by her precepts will rise up and call her blessed.
~LaVina Bradfield Wilson~
May God bless each of you mightily. I love you...
Kathie Lea
