Imperfect, Yet a Masterpiece (originally written 5/6/2013)

"O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether. Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it." (Psalm 139: 1-6)

Every now and then my strength and resolve to put on a brave front escapes me, and my days are just plain hard. When my body will not cooperate with the simplest tasks I ask of it, and pain will not release its unrelenting grasp, I am exhausted and overwhelmed. And...I admit it...discouraged. 

Now, I realize that I have so much to be grateful for. What is that saying about complaining about not having any shoes until I saw someone with no feet? Yes, I am certain things could be much worse. But at the moment, I don't feel like they could possibly be any worse. And so I cry, believing that I have a God that loves me and understands what I am going through, trusting Him to hold me close and comfort me. After all, I am His child, His masterpiece...a creation that is "fearfully and wonderfully made" by His loving hands.  He knows me more intimately than anyone, and no matter how imperfect I am, or where I find myself, He is there to take my hand. (See Psalm 139: 7 - 18). And I am comforted.

Tomorrow will come, and I hold onto the hope that it will be a better day.

"Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name. For the Lord is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations." (Psalm 100: 3-5)

Hope is the Thing With Feathers

"'Hope' is the Thing with Feathers"

"'Hope' is the thing with feathers --

That perches in the soul --

And sings the tune without words --

And never stops -- at all --"

~Emily Dickinson~

I came across a photograph online this week of a bird on a thorny perch. Singing. His eyes are lifted heavenward, and his throat is open in song; he is oblivious to the fact that the branch on which he is perched is full of thorns. His focus isn't on the painful place on which he stands; he sings with abandon without a thought of his difficult, unpleasant and stinging surroundings. I am reminded of the scripture that tells us that we should be like the birds and the flowers, who don't worry about anything because they know that their fine raiment, shelter, and food all come from their Father in Heaven, who loves them and cares for their every need (See Matt 6:25 - 34). I want to be more like that; I will be honest with you, though...sometimes I focus more on the brambles and the spiny, thorny circumstances that cause me pain; I allow those things to squash my trust, steal my hope, and silence my song. But God is ever present, speaks to me in the quiet stillness of the night, and reminds me that He is with me every step of the way. He is, in fact, my HOPE, my song. And I know that no matter what comes my way, I do have a choice of where my focus is, and today I actively choose hope. It perches in my soul and sings for me...and never stops.

Beauty and Refinement--It's All About the Process

Ever since I saw my first piece of crackle glass about 18 years ago, I have been amazed at its exquisite nature, delicate beauty and apparent fragility. Surely, something like this would shatter with rough handling, perhaps even a whisper of a breeze blown just the right (or wrong) way. And yet, if you know the process that leads to the crackle effect, you know that it is anything but fragile.

My draw to this type of art is born of a sort of kinship, if you will, to the character that is shaped by fire and ice, both extremes that, to me, represent the brokenness and pain, the struggles and the heartaches in life that refine us and make us purer, stronger, better. Hot and intense, the fire that begins the process of making crackle glass is painful, searing, even purging, as any impurities that remain in the glass affect the character of the piece and should be removed. Once the glass is white hot, it is plunged into a container of ice water, and the glass cracks on the surface. In order to smooth the inside, seal the cracks, and create a flat underlayer that makes it suitable for a variety of uses, the glass is then reheated. And reheated again, if necessary. Whatever it takes to perfect the piece.

I thought about this as I looked at the crackle glass soap dispenser I have in my bathroom. I bought it because I liked it, it matched my bathroom colors, and because it was made of crackle glass. But it leaks soap through the cracks, so I get frustrated with having to clean the soap off of it all the time. But the thought struck me the other day that I am much like that soap dispenser. To be sure, I am imperfect, not quite finished the way the Creator has planned, not yet the strong and pure vessel the Master Craftsman of my unique "crackle glass piece"...my heart and soul...has in mind, but still perfectly usable and lovely in the eyes of my Father. Like the soap that continues to seep from the cracks, I pray that the Spirit and Love that live within me seep through the cracks in the walls of my heart, spilling out on those around me to bring glory to Him.

I feel the intense heat that I know is building my character and making me stronger; I am fighting for my health, and this has been a burning, painful, bewildering and difficult struggle. Some days I don't understand it at all, and I am overwhelmed. But most of the time, I find healing and comfort that I have faith in a God that will never leave me and is lovingly helping me become completely usable for that which I was designed by refining me with heat, again and again. And through it all, I have no doubt that He has been with me and has provided support for me every time I needed it most.

"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10"

The Quilt

Several years ago, I bought a handmade quilt in Branson, MO. The intricate stitching and the patchwork design caught my eye, and as an added feature, the sales lady told me that the quilt was reversible. I was sold. I simply could not leave for home without it. Now there is something about that quilt that is special to me. Perhaps it is that the trip to Branson was a birthday gift from my husband, or that our time away together was full of the kinds of stuff that beautiful memories are made of. Either way, I have a tangible (and functional) souvenir of that magical trip. And so I keep that quilt on my bed and run my hands along the patchwork design from time to time, as I wonder about the loving hands that created such a beautiful piece. Is there special meaning behind each of the squares of fabric that make up the design? Oh, how gifted is the quilter, who is able to take a needle in hand and bring such beauty to life!

To be honest, until recently, I have never put the reverse side of the quilt face up to be viewed, though that is what “sealed the deal” for me in the first place. The underside, though lovely, just seemed too simple. But one day I needed a change, and finally put the quilt on the bed with the underside in full view. But when I did, I noticed flaws I had never seen before. At first, I was disappointed and was going to put it back on the bed the other way, but I simply didn’t have the energy. The change back to it's "normal" placement on the bed would have to wait until I was feeling better. And then a picture came to my mind’s eye, and I could see my quilt as a lovely representative of my own life, and the reminder that though I’m stitched together by God’s loving hand, I am far from perfect. There are parts of me…whether by circumstance or by choice… that reside in quiet, often lonely, solitude. I don’t choose to place those parts of me in full view because they make me feel vulnerable, simple, and flawed. But God sees ALL of me, and has taken the patchwork of my life…the difficulties, the joys, the pain and the triumphs…and has lovingly stitched together a meaningful and warm design that has purpose. He has given me a host of friends and loved ones to encourage me, to pray for me, and support me. I feel loved. Indeed, even lovely.

So I’d like to thank each of you once more for encouraging me and for prayerfully supporting me. On those days when I spend my entire day alone, unable to get out or to speak to anyone for any length of time due to weakness, it is comforting to know that there are people who love me and are praying for me. I could not make it through those days with my sanity intact without that affirmation. I know that indeed, I am never truly alone. Each of you is a gift that I cherish…a special and treasured “patch” in my life’s quilt.

God bless you, I love you.

Kathie Lea

“Our lives are like quilts’ bits and pieces, joy and sorrow, stitched with love. ~Unknown~

Starting Over

I've been writing about my experiences with autoimmune disease for quite a while now, and I have decided to start my blog all over again. Please bear with me, as I will be transferring some of my favorite musings from Caring Bridge to this site. I don't know why, but I feel more comfortable doing it this way...I guess because I don't want my friends and family to feel they have to make a donation just to read my journals. 

My main purpose in writing is to share parts of my life with you...both the good and the difficult...so that you will be aware of what is going on, and as sort of a catharsis for me. This is actually my third attempt at blogging and I am determined to stick with it this time! To my friends and family...thank you for your support over the last 2 1/2 years. My prayer is that some of my experiences will help others as we continue to walk this journey together. So please pray for me, share this page as much as you wish...and let's get started!