God's Answer to my "Why"

"Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing."

~I Thessalonians 5:11~

I woke up in the middle of the night last week, knowing something was terribly wrong. After suffering for several hours, I ultimately conceded that it was time to go to the hospital emergency room. Once the initial assessment was completed and results from the blood work received, the doctors and nurses scurried about and before I knew it, I was admitted and the infection that was causing Sepsis was bombarded by two round the clock, extremely potent antibiotics in an effort to eradicate whatever was attacking my body and placing my life in jeopardy. It took a several days, but I began to feel better until finally, I was relieved that the doctors said I could look forward to being discharged soon. 

Late in the week, towards the end of my hospital stay, I learned that a classmate and long-time friend had passed away. I knew that many, many prayers had been raised on his behalf, just as they had for me. I began to struggle with my improvement versus his demise and I began to question God. Why did I make it through--as I have countless times before--and he didn't? I suppose I feel a bit of survivor's guilt as one by one, classmates, friends, and loved ones are passing away, and I--who all the doctors say should have already died many times over--am still here. So as I lay in that hospital bed and tears flowed freely down my face, I sincerely asked God this simple question: "Why? Why am I still here, Lord...WHY?"

At about the time I had spoken those words, the nurses were making their shift change rounds, and my night nursing team introduced me to a new nurse. She was a sweet and lovely Asian woman (I will call her Li, though that is not  her real name), obviously dedicated to the care of her patients. I did notice, however, that she appeared pale and tired, but until we had a chance to get to know one another, I had no idea what her own personal struggle over the past year had been. A couple of hours later, Li came in to administer my medications, and out of the blue, she commented that her hair was short. I told her it was cute, and she adamantly said, "No, it's curly!". Again, I assured her that it looked good, and suddenly, she was sharing her story of her journey fighting breast cancer--the chemotherapy, radiation, double mastectomy and reconstruction surgeries, medications she must take for five more years, the hair loss and regrowth, with the resulting change to short and curly from that which was once straight. My heart ached for her and as we spoke freely together, I asked her if I could put her name on my prayer list. Her face softened, and she asked me if I am a Christian; when I said "Oh, yes!", she replied, "I am Christian too. I would be honored if you would pray for me." She bowed slightly, as is the custom of many folks from Asia, spelled her name for me, and left the room. Not realizing the significance of this encounter--that God was indeed showing me the answer to my question of "Why?"--I began to pray earnestly for Li.

Later, as I was preparing for discharge, Li came in to remove my IV. As she removed the needle, she covered the site with sterile gauze and held pressure with both hands to stop the bleeding. As much as I have been through, you would think I would be used to some things, but honestly I don't really like needles, so I always avert my eyes or look down; on this day I looked away and closed my eyes. As I did, I felt a sudden compulsion to pray for Li. I didn't speak a word out loud, but somehow this precious soul and I "connected". As my heart spoke to God on her behalf, I felt her lift one hand from the pressure on my arm and place it within my hand. I looked up and said, "I just prayed for you"; with tears shining in her eyes, she replied, "I know". She bandaged my arm, gave me a hug and an "I love you", and walked out of my room. I am convinced she looked more refreshed and stood a little straighter and taller than she had earlier that day, before we shared those special moments together.

Suddenly, it dawned on me that this is my "why". God isn't finished with me yet! The Bible says that He knows every hair on our heads and the number of all our days. While I grieve over the loss of the many who have gone before me, it is not without hope. I now realize it accomplishes nothing to feel sorrow or confusion for His having rescued me yet again. After all, He is GOD, and frankly, I'm not.

I really like the words to "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten--particularly the opening verse--because, simply put, they are true. Many times we think we can't do much because of limitations, or we feel alone in the fight with which we struggle. But the fact remains that we can and do make a difference!

"Like a small boat on the ocean

Sending big waves into motion.

Like how a single word can make a heart open.

I might only have one match, 

But I can make an explosion!"

I'm setting my face forward--to do my best to live my life each day as God would have me--trusting HIM to make a difference in the lives of others...His answer to my "why".

God bless you,

I love you...

Kathie Lea

"Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." ~Philippians 1:6~